I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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