Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
