So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
