party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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