Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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