You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
