Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
