i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
