i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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