i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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