We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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