I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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