somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
