I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
