i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
