ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
