if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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