just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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