I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
