I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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