Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
