I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
