I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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