Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
