pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
