I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
