Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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