i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
