please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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