were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
