I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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