i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
