are you so shy because you have an std?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
