if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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