If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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