New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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