Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
