WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
