I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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