I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
