my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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