You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
