I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
