i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
