If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
