so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
