Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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