i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My breasts were aching with rage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
