I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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