I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
