hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
