Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
