There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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