did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
