Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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