so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
